is true I went sometimes to Drury House to inquire how the land was
sold: but no other ways, although some reported I was at the Parliament-House,
and at this Committee and that Committee, and what I said and how I was
answered. But the customs of England are changed as well as the laws, where
women become pleaders, attorneys, petitioners and the like, running about
with their several causes, complaining of their several grievances, exclaiming
against their several enemies, bragging of their several favours they receive
from the powerful; thus trafficking with idle words brings in false reports
and vain discourse.
For the truth is our sex doth nothing but jostle for the preeminence of
words (I mean not for speaking well but speaking much) as they do for the
preeminence of place, words rushing against words, thwarting and crossing
each other, pulling with reproaches, striving to throw each other down with
disgrace, thinking to advance themselves thereby. But if our sex would but
well consider and rationally ponder, they will perceive and find that it
is neither words nor place that can advance them, but worth and merit. Nor
can words or place disgrace them, but incontancy and boldness: for an honest
heart, a noble soul, a chaste life and a true-speaking tongue is the throne,
sceptre, crown, and footstool that advances them to an honourable renown
. . . .
But I despairing because I was positively denied at Goldsmith's Hall (besides
I had a firm faith or strong opinion that the pains was more than the gains),
and being unpractised in public employments, unlearned in their uncouth
ways; ignorant of the humours and dispositions of those persons to whom
I was to address my suit, and not knowing where the power lay and not being
a good flatterer, did not trouble myself to petition my enemies.
Besides I am naturally bashful. Not that I am ashamed of my mind or body,
my birth or breeding, my actions or fortunes, for my bashfulness is in my
nature, not for any crime. And though I have striven and reasoned with myself,
yet that which is inbred I find it difficult to root out. I do not find
that my bashfulness is concerned with the qualities of the persons, but
the number; for were I to enter into a company of Lazaruses I should
be as much out of countenance as if they were all Cesars or Alexanders,
Cleopatras or Queen Didos.
Margaret in her writing chamber
Neither do I find my bashfulness riseth so often in blushes as it contracts
my spirits to a chill paleness. But the best of it is, most commonly it
soon vanisheth away and many times before it can be perceived: and the more
foolish or unworthy I conceive the company to be the worse I am, and the
best remedy I ever found is to persuade myself that all those persons I
meet are wise and virtuous.
The reason I take to be this: that the wise and virtuous censure least,
excuse most, praise best, esteem rightly, judge justly, behave themselves
civilly, demean themselves respectfully and speak modestly, when fools or
unworthy persons are apt to commit absurdities, and be bold, rude, uncivil
both in words and actions, forgetting or not well understanding themselves
or the company they are with. And though I never met such sorts of ill-bred
creatures, yet naturally I have such an aversion to them, as that I am afraid
to meet them, as children are afraid of spirits or others are afraid to
see or meet devils: which makes me think this natural defect in me, if it
be a defect is rather a fear than a bashfulness.
But whatsoever it is I find it troublesome, for it hath many times obstructed
the passage of my speech and perturbed natural actions, forcing a constrainedness
or unusual motions. However since it is rather a fear of others than a bashful
distrust of myself I despair of a perfect cure, unless Nature as well as
human governments should be civilized and brought into a methodical order,
ruling words and actions with a supreme power of Reason and the authority
of discretion. A rude nature is worse than a brute nature by so much more
as man is better than a beast: and those that are of civil natures and genteel
dispositions are as much nearer to celestial creatures as those that are
rude and cruel are to devils.