s for my disposition it is more inclining to melancholy, but soft, melting
solitary and contemplative melancholy. And I am apt to weep rather than
laugh, not that I often do either of them. Also I am tender-natured, for
it troubles my conscience to kill a fly and the groans of a dying beast
strike my soul.
Also where I place a particular affection, I love extroadinarily and constantly,
yet not fondly but soberly and observingly: not to hang about them as a
trouble, but to wait upon them as a servant. This affection will take no
root but where I think or find merit, and have leave both from Divine and
moral laws. Yet I find this passion so troublesome, that it is the only
torment of my life; for fear any evil misfortune, or accident, or sickness
or death should come unto them -- insomuch that I am never freely at rest.
Likewise I am grateful: for I never receive a courtesy but I am impatient
and troubled until I can return it. Also I am chaste both by nature and
education insomuch as I do abhor an unchaste thought. Likewise I am seldom
angry as my servants may witness for me, for I rather choose to suffer some
inconveniences than disturb my thoughts, which makes me many times wink
at their faults: But when I am angry I am very angry -- but yet it is soon
over and I am easily pacified if it be not such an injury as to create a
hate.
Neither am I apt to be exceptious or jealous, but if I have the least symptom
of that passion, I declare it to those it concerns, for I never let it lie
smouldering in my breast to breed a malignant disease in the mind, which
might break out in extravagant passions, or railing speeches, or indiscreet
actions. But I examine moderately, reason soberly, and plead gently in my
own behalf; through a desire to keep those affections I had, or at least
thought to have.
Frontispiece from The World's Olio
And truly I am so vain, as to be so self-conceited or so naturally partial
as to think my friends have as much reason to love me as another, since
none can love me as another, since none can love more sincerely than I;
and it were an injustice to prefer a fainter affection or to esteem the
body more than the mind.
Likewise I am neither spiteful, envious nor malicious. I repine not at the
gifts that nature, or fortune bestows upon others: yet I am a great emulator:
for, though I wish none worse than they are, nor fear any should be better
than they are, yet it is lawful for me to wish myself the best, and to do
my honest endeavors thereunto.
I think it no crime to wish myself the exactest of Nature's works, my thread
of life the longest, my chain of destiny the strongest, my mind, the peacablest,
my life the pleasantest, my death the easiest and myself the greatest Saint
in heaven: also to do my endeavour, so far as honour and honesty doth allow
of, to be the highest on Fortune's wheel, and to hold the wheel from turning,
if I can. An if it be commendable to wish another's good it were a sin not
to wish my own. For as envy is a vice so emulation is virtue; but emulation
is in the way to ambition -- nay, it is a noble ambition.