fear my ambition inclines to vainglory; for I am very ambitious. Yet
'tis neither for beauty, wit, titles, wealth or power, except as they are
steps to raise me to Fame's Tower, which is to live by remembrance in after
ages.
Likewise I am what the vulgar call proud. Not out of self-conceit or to
slight or condemn any, but scorning to do a base or mean act, and disdaining
rude or unworthy persons, insomuch that if I should find any that were rude
or too bold I should be apt to be so passionate as to affront them, if I
could unless discretion should get betwixt my passion and their boldness,
which sometimes perchance it might, if discretion should crowd hard for
place. For though I am naturally bashful, yet, in such a cause, my spirits
would be all on fire. Otherwise I am so well bred as to be civil to all
persons of all degrees or qualities.
Likewise I am so proud of or rather just to my Lord, as to abate nothing
of the quality of his wife; for if honour be the mark of merit, and the
royal favour of his master, who will favour none but those who have a merit
to deserve, it were a baseness for me to neglect the ceremony thereof.
In some cases I am naturally a coward, in other cases very valiant. As
for example, if any of my nearest friends were in danger I should never
consider my life in striving to help them though I were sure to do them
no good: and I would willingly nay cheerfully resign my life for their sakes.
Likewise I should not spare my life if honour bid me die . . . . . . Also
as I am not covetous so I am not prodigal; but of the two I am inclining
to be prodigal -- I cannot say to a vain prodigality, because I imagine
it is to a profitable end: for perceiving the world is given or apt, to
honour the outside more than the inside, worshipping show more than substance,
I am so vain (if it be a vanity) as to endeavour to be worshipped rather
than not to be regarded.
Yet I shall never be so prodigal as to impoverish my friends, or go beyond
the limits or facility of our estate. Though I desire to appear at the best
advantage, whilst I live in the view of the public world, yet I could most
willingly exclude myself, so as never to see the face of any creature but
my Lord as long as I lived; inclosing myself like an anchoret, wearing a
frieze gown, tied with a cord about my waist.
But I hope my Readers will not think me vain for writing my life since there
have been many more that have done the like, as Caesar and Ovid
and many more both men and women; and I know no reason I may not do it as
well as they. But I verily believe some censuring Readers will scornfully
say, 'Why hath this Lady writ her own life? since none cares to know whose
daughter she was, or whose wife she is, or how she was bred or what fortunes
she had, or what humour or disposition she was of?' I answer that it is
true that 'tis of no purpose to the Reader, but it is to the Authoress.
I write it for my own sake not theirs. Neither did I intend this piece
for to delight but to divulge, not to please the fancy but to tell the truth,
lest after ages should mistake in not knowing I was daughter to one Master
Lucas of St. John's near Colchester in Essex and second wife to the Lord
Marquis of Newcastle; for my Lord having had two wives, I might easily have
been mistaken, especially if I should die and my Lord marry again.