ut sometime after this war began I knew not how they lived. For though
most of them were in Oxford where the king was, yet after the Queen went
from Oxford and so out of England, I was parted from them. When the Queen
was at Oxford, I had a great desire to be one of her maids-of-honour, hearing
the Queen had not he same number she was used to have. Whereupon I wooed
and won my Mother to let me go, for my Mother being fond of all her children
was desirous to please them, which made her consent to my request.
But my brothers and sisters seemed not very well pleased by reason I had
never been from home nor seldom out of their sight: for though they knew
I would not behave myself to their or my own dishonour, yet they thought
I might to my disadvantage, being unexperienced in the world. Which indeed
I did; for I was so bashful when I was out of my Mother's, brothers' and
sisters' sight, whose presence used to give me confidence - thinking I could
not do amiss whilst any one of them were by, for I knew they would gently
reform me if I did: besides, I was ambitious they should approve of my actions
and behaviour - that when I was gone from them I was like one that had no
foundation to stand or guide to direct me, which made me afraid lest I should
wander with ignorance out of the ways of honour. So that I knew not how
to behave myself. Besides I had heard the World was apt to lay aspersions
even on the innocent, for which I durst neither look up with my eyes, nor
speak, nor be any way sociable, insomuch as I was thought a natural fool.
Indeed I had not much wit, yet I was not an idiot - my wit was according
to my years. And though I might have learnt more wit and advanced my understanding
by living in a Court, yet being dull, fearful and bashful, I neither heeded
what was said or practised, but just what belonged to my loyal duty and
my own honest reputation. Indeed, I was so afraid to dishonour my friends
and family by my indiscreet actions, that I rather chose to be accounted
a fool, than to be thought rude or wanton. In truth my bashfulness and fears
made me repent my going from home to see the world, and much did I desire
to return to my mother again, or to my sister Pye, with whom I often lived
when she was in London and loved with a supernatural affection. But my Mother
advised me then to stay, although I put her to more charges than if she
had kept me at home, and she maintained me so that I was in a condition
rather to lend than to borrow; which courtiers usually are not. But my Mother
said it would be a disgrace for me to return out of the Court so soon after
I was placed.
So I continued almost two years, until such time as I was married thence:
for my Lord the Marquis of Newcastle did approve of those bashful fears
which many condemned, and would choose such a wife as he might bring to
his own humours and not such an one as was wedded to self-conceit, or one
that had been tempered to the humours of another - for which he wooed me
for his wife. And though I did dread marriage and shunned men's compainies
as much as I could, yet I could not nor had nor the power to refuse him,
by reason my affections were fixed on him: and he was the only person I
ever was in love with.
William and Margaret Cavendish
Neither was I ashamed to own it but gloried therein. For it was not amorous
love. I never was infected therewith. It is a disease, or a passion, or
both - I only know by relation, no by experience. Neither could title, wealth,
power or person entice me to love; but my love was honest and honourable
being placed upon merit. Which affection joyed at the fame of his worth,
was pleased with delight in his wit, was proud of the respect he used to
me, and triumphed in the affections he professed for me. Those affections
he hath confirmed to me by a deed of time, sealed by constance and assigned
by an unalterable decree of his promise, which makes me happy in despite
of Fortune's frowns. For though Misfortunes may and do oft dissolve base,
wild, loose and ungrounded affections, yet they have no power over those
that are united either by merit, justice, gratitude, duty, fidelity or the
like. And though my Lord hath lost his estate and been banished out of his
country, yet neither despised poverty nor pinching necessity could make
him break the bonds of friendship or weaken his loyal duty.